Conversations

I’ve changed a lot since being home. Set back in location, but advanced in person, is a odd combination to work through. This making me more reserved when it comes to social situations, and I find myself rejecting the idea of connecting with my past – well, most of my past. There are some relationships that, in rediscovery, fit me so well now it’s surprising that there was ever a lull. Though, as I keep learning, everything really does happen for a reason, and people who encourage changes and support  growth are the ones you never lose – at least in my opinion.

In the last month that I’ve been home, I’ve been the recluse. Say for a handful of old friends I’ve been on the self-destructive path to loneliness. All my fault, and I’d never resisted the blame. I spend my time online, staying connected to those that are now dotted all over the world in every time zone. Today, however, I decided to say yes to meeting an old colleague for breakfast.

A miracle as it is to motivate me to leave my bed on these consistently rainy days, it was more so to ask me to socialize after doing so.

But I’m incredibly glad that I did.

It’s not often when you need to hear how another views you. Not often that someone just lets to say the things you need to say, down to admitting that, compared to the daily confusion of recent changes, there is little energy left to care about anything else. To understand that while I love my hometown, the lack of simulation in this place is like a fire extinguisher to my creativity. My motivation to create and to be is almost non-existant.

This conversation today, lasted three hours. It finally let me talk about this situation without having to explain half of myself. While the details I will keep, the point is still important: there are hundreds of people sharing this experience alongside me and a dozen of my closest friends. It’s one that is hard to comprehend unless you are in it, and it makes it hard to find the appropriate support. (Aka: The reason I’ve been solitary). Until today, the seclusion I had embraced was a defense, but because I stepped out to have a single conversation with someone who can empathize and has also used her creativity to find relief, I found I’m stronger than I thought.

I’ve learned I have the tools to fix this.

I moved to London for so many reasons. To write, to learn, to gain some independence without the influence of others around me. Everything I wanted, I somehow managed to find or earn. I fell in love. I fell in love with so many things about my life and the stimulation that came from this fueled my creativity and myself. While I can’t be in the place that gave me my individualism, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost the experience. Doesn’t mean that someday I won’t find my way back – but for now, I need to pick myself up and surround myself with what I know is good for me.

I’m not going to start throwing parties, but I am going to try and take stronger steps forward by accepting I need to take my own pace. My road will not be the same as my friends, and theirs will not be mine. It’s something that everyone should learn to find strength in their decisions.

xx, Kristin

 

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